I bought Faith from a pet store in the Bronx in September 2003. By the time I bought Faith, I had been doing rescue for a while so I should have known better. There are some things that one must never do if you are an animal rescuer. One must never breed, one must never take an animal to a shelter and one must never buy one from a pet store. I had never bought a dog from a pet store before and I have not bought one since. But I can also tell you that I will never regret buying Faith from that pet store. In hindsight, my only regret is that I didn’t go get her the very day I found out about her, that way I would have had her in my life an extra week.

The problem with absolute rules is that sometimes things are not quite as black and white as they seem. Would I go buy an 8-10 week old puppy from a pet store now? No way! I wouldn’t do it before I got involved in rescue; I’m certainly not going to do it now. In fact, there is no way I would buy one from a breeder now, even a “reputable” breeder. Would I buy another dog from a pet store if the situation was the same as Faith’s? Hard to say but I’d like to think that I have not been doing rescue too long to be incapable of making exceptions to those never rules when that is the lesser of two evils. If one takes the time to really think about these issues carefully, one finds that there are many shades of gray and it is in considering those shades of gray that one finds the necessary compassion to do what is right in that particular instance.

I’m sure you are all expecting to hear me say how horrible that pet store was, what horrendous and unspeakable conditions they kept their dogs in, what monsters they were and how I hope the owner of that store will burn in hell forever. If that is what you are expecting, you will be sadly disappointed. That’s just one of the many unexpected twists in Faith’s sad story. And it is a sad story to be sure, no happy endings here. If I had it within my power, I would shut down every single pet store in this country … today. But as pet stores go, this one was certainly one of the better ones I’ve been to in many respects. In fact, in some respects, they were better than many breeders and they certainly cared for their dogs a damn sight better than many dog owners in this city and even more importantly, the dogs in that store were kept in conditions that are far and above the average conditions at the typical city shelter. When I walked into that store, it didn’t stink of animal waste … can’t say that about many of the shelters I have been to. And given this store had tons of puppies living there, that in itself speaks highly for their operation. Every puppy I saw there seemed healthy, in good weight, clean and if they cared for them to the level they obviously cared for Faith, then I again will have to say that they did a far better job than a great many shelters and even rescues I personally know about. The fact that Faith was still there at the age of 14 months and still in as good a condition as she was in is yet another testament to their good husbandry practices. Hell, the average pet store would have sent Faith back to her breeder so she could become yet one more breeding machine and gotten a refund. Or she could have been sent to a shelter or she could have been sold to a lab or they could certainly have bred her themselves so they could have some more of those high-priced Cavalier puppies. But they did none of that.

As much as I despise anyone who is making a living at the expense of another living being’s welfare, in the overall scheme of things, there were bigger villains in Faith’s story. As I came to find out after her death, this pet store didn’t normally have Cavaliers. Cavaliers are one of the breeds they had to “special order.” So, someone must have come into that store and asked for a Cavalier and asked for one to be ordered for them and for some reason, that someone must have changed their mind about actually buying their special-order Cavalier. Maybe they found a Cavalier at another pet store before Faith was delivered. Maybe they were disappointed with Faith as Faith wasn’t exactly the most perfect Cavalier in terms of her “conformation.” If the people who wanted a Cavalier expected one that looks like the ones seen at Westminster or on the breeder websites, then Faith may not have met their expectations. Perhaps they simply changed their minds about getting a Cavalier, maybe they decided on a Pug instead or maybe they simply changed their minds altogether about having a dog. Who knows but it was their lack of commitment to the puppy they special-ordered that I have a bigger issue with than that pet store. It is at least partly due to their lack of commitment that Faith ended up at that pet store and was still there when she was 14 months old.

Cavaliers are not necessarily a breed that would be in hot demand in a pet store in the Bronx. I would think that most people walking into that store and seeing that puppy would assume she was a Cocker Spaniel and who the hell would be crazy enough to pay $1500 (her original price) for a Cocker Spaniel puppy? Even at her clearance price of $700 (what I paid for her), she was still more expensive than most of the brand new puppies in that store. At 14 months of age, she didn’t have a chance in hell of being purchased from that store. Especially since at some point in time during her year stay, she was moved to a cage in the grooming area; an area that was not accessible to the public. Unless someone actually came to the store asking for a Cavalier, no one (besides the people working there) saw her or knew she was there. She was “old” merchandise, can’t take up valuable cage space with a slow moving product after all.

Someone apparently posted a listing on Craigslist about an “older” Cavalier puppy being available in a pet store in the Bronx and someone else who was on a rescue list happened to see this ad. I really would love to know who listed Faith on Craigslist. That is one of several mysteries that still remain in Faith’s story that continue to haunt me. Was it simply someone who went to the store, someone who found out about this puppy and decided to post it to Craigslist thinking that might give her a chance at a home? Was it the people who ordered her that maybe felt badly about her still being at the pet store? Was it the pet store owner himself — or someone who worked there — figuring this was just another avenue to try to find a buyer? I will never know the answer to that question and most people would say what does it matter? But to me, everything about Faith’s story matters, I want to know everything there is to know about her, I had her for such a short time I feel that having an answer to all these questions I still have would somehow give me some comfort. Or it could make me angrier about what happened to her. Or it could bring even more sadness and despair that I could not give to her what I have given to so many other dogs that have crossed my path … a happy ending.

I joined Cavalier rescue a few months before Faith came into my life. One day I figured it would be a good idea to email the rescue lists to let everyone know that I was a volunteer for Cavalier rescue and to please let me know if anyone heard of a Cavalier needing help from rescue. It was only a week later when I got an email from Mary in Brooklyn asking me if I had seen the listing on Craigslist for the “older” Cavalier puppy at a pet store in the Bronx. No, I hadn’t. Mary somehow also got an email from a couple in NY who had seen the Craigslist post and had gone to the pet store to check her out. They had been looking for a Cavalier. They met Faith and set about finding someone to “rescue” this puppy. They were both lawyers, one of them was an ADA. They were both appalled by the fact that this 14-month-old puppy had lived her entire life at a pet store. They had contacted one of the Cavalier rescue reps in New Jersey. They were told that rescue did not purchase dogs from pet stores. If the pet store owner was willing to surrender the puppy to the rescue, they would be more than happy to take her if she was a purebred Cavalier but only if she was a purebred … can they get a picture of this puppy? They would also be happy to take her if the couple was willing to buy her themselves or if they could get people to donate towards her purchase price, buy her from the pet store and then surrender her to the rescue. But, can you get a picture of that puppy? We want to make sure she is a purebred. “Negotiations” between the rescue chair, the volunteer in another state who was willing to foster Faith if she came into rescue, myself who at the time was Regional Coordinator for NY and the couple in NY, started in earnest and went on for days. Can this couple convince the store owner to give the dog to rescue? Could they help with the transport to the foster home if they get her? Oh … and could you get a picture of that puppy so we are sure she is a purebred.

I still have all the emails that went back and forth about Faith and her “rescue.” Most of them have to do with whether or not she could really be a purebred because at that time purebred Cavaliers were still a rarity in pet stores so the rescue was very worried that when they were finally delivered this puppy, it would turn out that she was just another Cavalier mix or even worse, a Cocker Spaniel falsely advertised as a Cavalier. There was a lot of discussion about her purchase price, the arrangements to get her from NY to MD (where she would be fostered) … but not much was said about how sad it was this puppy had spent every single day of her life since she was 8 weeks old in a cage in a pet store. But that’s all I could think about. I had not met Faith, I didn’t have a picture of her, her story was certainly not all that remarkable, this kind of thing happens all the time in pet stores. But for some reason, all I could think about during the week it took from the time I heard about Faith until I finally traveled to the Bronx to get her, was the fact that this puppy had spent her puppyhood in a box. Part of me was sad, part of me was angry and part of me was worried that Faith would be a total basket case. By then I had already taken a couple of dogs from shelters, I had seen what months of neglect and poor care could do to a dog’s physical and mental well being. Could I “rehab” this puppy? Would she ever be able to have a normal life? Would I be able to find a home for her? Was she adoptable?

Another mystery in Faith’s story is that couple of NY lawyers. If they were “looking” for a Cavalier and had purposely gone to the pet store to meet her and were indeed so “appalled” with her situation, why didn’t they purchase her for themselves? There were several emails discussing their efforts to raise enough money to buy Faith so she could be turned over to rescue. Why would two lawyers need to “raise” $700? Although they committed to contribute to her purchase price, they never so much as sent a dime. Were they the people who had ordered Faith from that pet store only to change their minds once she arrived?

As the days came and went without any resolution, I grew more and more restless, more and more upset and angry that no one really seemed to care much about Faith, some were only worried about the money, others about her bloodlines, some about not violating one of the cardinal rules of rescue. But no one seemed to care what would happen to Faith in the end. I asked Mary to go to the pet store to meet Faith, I wanted her to tell me what she thought of her. I didn’t care whether or not she was a purebred, I wanted to know how she was physically and mentally. I wanted to know what I was getting myself into if I decided to act on my own and bought Faith from that pet store. I’ll never forget the phone call I got from Mary that day. She kept telling me what a beautiful and sweet dog she was. That Friday afternoon I met Mary in NJ and she drove me to the Bronx. As much as I love dogs and will do just about anything to help one, there was NO way in hell I was driving to the Bronx by myself. Friday afternoon was certainly not the best time to do it either. That was the longest 2-hour ride I’ve ever had. We got to the pet about 20 minutes before they closed, they closed at 8 pm. It was Friday night and it was late and I’m sure they wanted to get the hell out of there on time. But they took the time to let us have some time to be with Faith, they took the time to “educate” us about proper care and nutrition, about vaccinations, heartworm preventative. They gave me full copies of her medical records. She had had all her shots, dewormings and had been properly medicated whenever she had been sick with diarrhea or some other minor, normal puppy sickness. They had me sign an adoption contract. They would not give me her “papers” until I provided proof that she was spayed. Now, I will grant you that their motivations for such responsible practices were probably their desire to minimize the competition for their puppies by making it harder for people to become freelance puppy stores. But regardless of their motives, I couldn’t help but be impressed by their policies. Neither one of the “reputable” breeders I had gotten my two Cavaliers from (before I got into rescue) required me to sign an adoption contract. Neither one of them withheld pedigree papers on the condition I alter my dogs. Had I chosen to breed Sam and Gigi, that would have been fine with them I suppose.

When we got back to our meeting spot, we took a few minutes to get out of the car, talk and let Faith have a little break before we got on our way back to Philly. Even from that very first night, it was obvious that Faith had not suffered any permanent damage. She was quite happy, friendly and had the typical Cavalier personality and nature. And she sure seemed perfectly healthy. She was a little “plump” and could use some muscle tone but other than that Faith looked great. We didn’t get back home until after midnight. I was exhausted, Faith seemed just fine. Although it was late, I decided to let her meet my Cavalier boy, Sam. They were instant playmates. I don’t know whether the pet store had allowed Faith to play with the other puppies there, usually that is not done in most pet stores, but Faith knew how to play with other dogs and she obviously enjoyed playing with other dogs. The following day, she met Suki, my Chow/Boxer mix who was herself a young puppy at the time and she met Jamie, the Westie mix I was fostering. The “3 girls” became inseparable playmates. They would play and play non stop, I have several pictures of them playing. Whenever the sadness of losing Faith overwhelms me, I try to picture her with Suki and Jamie playing, I look at the pictures. I remind myself how much fun she had with them while she was here. I tell myself that in those last few weeks of her life she had fun, she had love, she had what every dog should have. It helps a little but not enough.

There is another unresolved mystery in Faith’s story. Although I never got Faith’s papers, the paperwork I got did give me the name of her breeder and where she registered her litter. When I looked online at the Cavalier breeders with the national breed club, I found that there is a breeder “in the club” whose last name is the same as Faith’s breeder and whose first name is a variation of Faith’s breeder’s first name … and that breeder lives in the same state where Faith’s pedigree was registered. Although Faith was registered with one of those bogus dog registries puppy mills often use, the last name is not a common last name. Is this just a bizarre coincidence? Or did this “reputable” breeder sell Faith to this pet store? Of all the mysteries in Faith’s story, this one haunts me the most. If this is not a bizarre coincidence and this “reputable” breeder did indeed sell Faith to the pet store, would she want to know what happened to Faith? Would she care? Would she even remember Faith? Is she still selling her puppies to pet stores?

Faith had the rest of her life to look forward to, she was happy, she was healthy, she was sweet and friendly. She would have been a wonderful companion for the lucky person I would have chosen to adopt her. Instead, Faith became my teacher. Her life, her death, her story have forced me to look at the issues of pet ownership in a much deeper and more meaningful way. If Faith had been another happy ending, there is a good chance I would not still be doing rescue. It’s very difficult to live the life of a rescuer without a very deep passion, a passion born out of great loss and pain. When she died, I was sure I would never take on another rescued dog, I was sure I could not bear to go through another such loss. There have been plenty of sad days since then but there have been some very happy endings too. I can never bring Faith back, I can never give her the happy ending she deserved and for that I will always feel sad, I will always feel grief. But I can – and will – to the best of my ability try to keep her memory alive, I will always remember that she never lost hope and she never lost faith that one day she would get out of that pet store and that one day she would have another dog to play with and a human to love her … forever. And every time I feel like I can’t do this even another day, every time I feel like quitting, I think about Faith and how I can’t let her down. I think about how once a human failed to hold up their end of bargain and left her in that pet store without a second thought after they had agreed to take her. I think her life and her death were meant to inspire me to do more, to find a way to make a difference, to find a greater purpose in my life. Maybe I will never make a difference but I cannot give up hope and must never lose faith.

The following was written the day Faith left me:

Some of you know about Faith, some of you haven’t heard about her yet. For those who already know her story, please forgive the retelling. Less than a month ago, I got an email from a wonderful rescuer in NY who told me about a little Cavalier King Charles Spaniel girl at a pet store in the Bronx. As most of you know, Cavaliers are my breed, I share my home with two and I am a rescue coordinator for a Cavalier rescue group.

This little girl had been brought to this pet store in the Bronx as a young puppy but apparently she was a bit pricey for this market and she didn’t sell as a puppy. As she got older and her chances of being sold decreased, she was put in a cage in a back room used for grooming where the general public wouldn’t really see her. When I found out about this, Faith was already over a year old and the chances that she would be purchased were probably pretty slim, even though she had been reduced to $700.00.

A couple in NY had been trying to raise the money to buy her so that they could then turn her over to our rescue group. Our rescue group has a policy against purchasing a pet store dog because they feel this only supports the puppy mills plus they will only help out with a purebred Cavalier and if this turned out to be a mix, they would not accept her into the program. But the more I heard about this little dog’s situation, the more I felt this was one dog that really needed someone to come to her rescue. So … on a Friday afternoon, I drove to Kearny, NJ where I met the rescuer who told me about this puppy and she drove me into the Bronx (thank you! I could never have done that on my own). I purchased Faith myself, and decided to foster her myself and adopt her out through another rescue group rather than through the Cavalier group, as I was violating one of their cardinal rules.

Faith was incredibly sweet and lovable. She had lived her entire life in a box in a pet store, never experienced anything beyond that. I expected her to be terrified of this big world out here. But I was wrong, although she was sometimes cautious and startled by some new things, Faith was actually quite the brave little girl. She also somehow knew all about playing with other dogs. From the very first night until today, Faith spent many happy moments playing with Suki (my chow mix puppy), Sam (my Cavalier boy) and Jamie (Westie mix foster). Faith and Suki became very good friends and I was always amazed at how well they played together and that Faith didn’t seem at all afraid of Suki, even though Suki is twice her size.

Faith had to learn everything … she didn’t know how to use the steps, but had figure out how to go up the steps about a week ago, we were going to start working on going down the steps real soon. She didn’t know anything about leashes and walks and the first few walks we took were very short as Faith would stop soon after we got going and refused to move any further, I would then have to carry her home. But each time we went out, she got a little braver and last weekend, we made it all the way around the block. She loved people, and her tail rarely stopped wagging.

About a week after I brought her home, Faith went into heat. A couple of days ago, I noticed that her discharge had a strange “look” and odor to it so I took Faith to the vet yesterday afternoon. Faith had pyometria (an infection of the uterus) and needed to be spayed right away as this type of infection could have killed her. I took Faith back to the vet this afternoon to be spayed and was preparing to go back later in the evening to bring home a very sleepy little dog. But about 2 hours after I dropped her off, I got a call from the vet, a call I will probably not soon forget. Faith did not make it through the surgery, very early into the procedure, Faith stopped breathing and although they tried to resuscitate her for almost an hour, Faith could not be brought back to us.

I know I have only had Faith in my home for less than a month, but I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart tonight. This poor little baby — for some reason that escapes me — apparently was not meant to have a “normal” doggie life. Just when she was starting to learn a little bit about the world outside that pet store, when she had made some doggie friends, when she just learned to go up those steps and walk around the block … her bright new future is gone in an instant. I went back to the vet’s office and spent an hour with Faith’s little body, hugged her, kissed her, told her how much I loved her … I hope somehow she “heard” all that and knows that at least she was loved and will always be loved. I will keep her ashes and when it is my turn to go, her ashes — along with all my other pets’ ashes — will be buried with me.

Only a couple of you have met Faith but now you all know about her and know her story. I am hoping that at least some of you will remember her as you go through your journey and help me keep her memory alive. It is said that there is a reason for everything that happens and right now I am trying to understand (mostly struggling) what the reason for little Faith’s death might be. Maybe some day I will have an answer.

If you believe in prayer, please say a little prayer for Faith. If you don’t, just try to picture her little tail wagging a mile a minute and her tongue hanging out almost down to the floor, her beautiful, big eyes looking up at you. That’s the picture I am trying to keep in my mind tonight and will take along with me as a reminder that life can never be taken for granted.